Why do some people succeed against all odds while others fail despite every advantage? What factor is the most important determinant of our life outcomes?
This question stuck in my mind like a burr, demanding my attention.
Ultimately, I came up with a simple equation that represents all our lives.
Events + Actions = Life Outcomes
For each of us, good things will fall into our lap, even if we did nothing to earn them, and we will celebrate. Bad things will slam us, even if we did nothing to deserve them, and we will suffer. Everyone has something to be grateful for. No one is unscathed.
These are the Events of our lives.
Every time an event happens to us we have a choice to either react or respond.
Reacting is leaping back when you hand brushes a hot pot on the stove. Or snapping at your significant other because earlier in the day your boss snapped at you. When we react we take the shortest path away from unpleasant emotions towards enjoyable ones. Our reactions aren’t always wrong, but they are always short sighted
Responding is taking the best path towards our ultimate goal. Responding is asking your significant other for a hug because you just had a rough day and need support. It's running into a burning building to save someone else.
These are the Actions of our lives.
When you stack up all events and actions, one after another over decades, they add up to Today - to where we are right now in our career, family, relationships, all of our successes and failures, all our pride and shame.
So then, coming back to my original question, are Events or Actions the most important determinant of our life outcomes?
Actually, neither. I believe it’s which we focus on.
When we focus on Events we ask “Why is this happening to me?” Best case scenario, we turn to external entities to save us, such as our parents, our boss, or deity. Then we get whatever they are (or are not) willing to give us. Worst case, we decide there’s nothing we can do and get washed away by the storm like a bit of flotsam. This choice makes us a victim.
When we focus on Actions we ask “What can I do about this?” Taking massive action can change our life course in a moment. But even if there’s not much we can do, there’s still something, and those small, consistent actions ultimately take us to a destination of our choosing. This choice makes us a hero.
I’ve learned that you can quickly tell a lot about someone by listening to the narrative they tell when something doesn’t go their way. Do they focus on how they just have the worst luck, and they’d be doing great if only this person hadn’t screwed them over, and why does this always happen? Or do they focus on what they learned, what they’ll do differently next time, and how lucky it is that an alternative solution is available?
Of course, it’s most important to pay attention to the voice in our own head.
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